Things I Learned as a Parent
Here are 20 things I learned as a parent last year (WARNING: Some bad language so do not read if you are easily offended!):
1. People who say you should 'enjoy every single moment of parenthood' are at best, unrealistic and at worst, morons.
2. It's easy to get to midday and realise you've not stopped since 6am but have achieved a grand total of fuck all.
3. I don't care how strong you think you are, nobody is stronger than a baby that doesn't want to get dressed.
4. It's impossible to tidy the house. You can move things around and put them in different rooms but the house will remain a shithole.
5. And there’s more chance of visiting Narnia than seeing the bottom of your laundry basket.
6. People without kids who say they're exhausted can kiss my tired, fat arse.
7. In fact some days your energy levels resemble those of a diabetic sloth that’s cutting out caffeine for Lent.
8. I told my childless friend I'd had an 'amazing lie in till 7.30am' and he pissed himself laughing. I was deadly serious.
9. I now time my morning routine by CBeebies theme tunes. If I'm not running the shower by the time Octonauts is starting, I'm fucked.
10. Phase 2 of parenthood is when an episode of a kids show comes on and you think, "Ah fuckin hell, I've seen this one."
11. And whoever let Postman Pat fly a frigging plane this week should be shot in the face.
12. I love my kids more than anything in the world.
13. But I’d love them even more if they’d nap properly.
14. Getting your baby to nap is like a game of Snakes and Ladders. One wrong move and you're back to the beginning.
15. When remarking "they've gone down well tonight" it's best to check you've turned the baby monitor on first.
16. Often you’ll panic that there's something seriously wrong with your baby but then realise they're just having a massive shite.
17. Some nappy changes are like Brexit - tonnes of build up, nobody really knows what's going on and a horrible mess to clean up afterwards.
18. Paying £40 a day for nursery when your kid is too ill to go because of a bug they caught at nursery smarts like a kick in the knackers.
19. Parenthood is a crafty bastard - the second you master something it changes the game so you're shit at it again.
20. When your child laughs the world makes sense.